The Zanzibar Trilogy
by Luke5260
Summary: I write slash the only way I can: by making it incomprehensible. A dark and surrealist parody of slash lemons. Rated for implied situations and violence. Roy X Ed.
1. Enchantment of the First Dawn

Ok, before I get things started, I would like to state that this is an experimental work. I will explain myself in a very long Author's Note at the end. I am not bashing any pairing, and I am not bashing any particular character. I would also like to state that Full Metal Alchemist is the sole property of Hiromu Arakawa and Square Enix. I do not own it in any way, shape or form.

And now, without further adieu…

**Zanzibar!!!  
(**Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap)

An interpretive dance of an almost lemon.

Slightly based on a review of "Drunk Enough To Say I Love You?" that I read in Variety, and an article on Something Awful by Zach "Geist Editor" Parsons.

Ed: Beer. Floating Beer. Floating in an endless point of endlessness.

**BET!!!**

The Floating. The floating floating. He remembered when he was a child that the world was a big balloon. Then it went away. Then it came back. Then it went away again. Who would win the bet? Why is bet?

Ed: Grammar is meaningless for my art. Al…You are aluminum. I am ashamed.  
Roy: Bet you did not win, but didwin.  
Ed: Fool! I am the parakeetdog.  
Roy: Winning is what I do.

_The fool of the soul is wild,  
My mouth tastes like bile,  
I am yet a child,  
Floating in the rain. _

Kisskissfallinlove.

Off.

Shirt.

Autograph.

Vic Mignogna.

Travis Willingham.

Stupid elitist fangirl.

Only watches Japanese words.

So Unknowing of the fate of the seven rams.

OCHIONE! She is OCHIONE!

Can't you see him cry? Can't you see the tears?

Pants

Shants

Rope

Pinned down on the desk

Abs. Sweat. Abs. Dangle. Lt. Dangle.

(Downstairs, Fury, Havoc, and Hawkeye have a discussion. Extras are to fall around the back, discussing the process of a zombie Benedict Arnold. )

Havoc: (Sighs) I wonder what they're doing up there?  
Hawkeye: (Turns her head of zapatatic oppression skyward) Whatever it is, I'll have my pistol ready.  
Fury: When two souls collide, do eagles soar?

(Havoc and Hawkeye stare at Fury for two beats, transfixed by his capitalism.)

Hawkeye: What the hell are you talking about?

(Bang bang! All dead.)

White dough is spread. There's no stopping it now. Ochione looks with glee.

Knife slices lemon flesh. OOF! ED'S COLON! THE BLOOD!!! THE PANIC!!! THE VOMIT!!! THE PANIC!!! THE VOMIT!!! GOD LOVES HIS CHILDREN!!! GOD LOVES HIS CHILDREN, YEAH!!!

TA THUMP TA THUMP TA THUMP

There is blood. There is lots of blood. Location of the artery is in the sciatic nerve. Subcutaneous, subcutaneous calling. He was arriving. The organ plays, in the thundering rattling of Ed's head.

Was he sure he was eight and ten?

SKITTLES. CAPITALISM. POLITIK. HENRY KISSINGER.

Floorboards.

Cracking. Unstable.

Riza among the dead. Smoking the Bones. Dust falls on head.

And the seven trumpets blowing. Sweet Rock and Roll. Roy's gone out inside your showroom.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Crash!!!!

Embarassment. Humiliation. Happy shipper. Unhappy Colonel and Major. More abs.

Fuhrer: WHAT DA HELL IS GOIN ON IN ME HOUSE????!!!! I AM TOM DYRON, DA DRAGON!!!!!!  
Jeff: I'm gonna kill you now with my 9mm silencer.  
Furhur: Oh scheisse! I got to get going, keep creepy man going!!!  
Ed: My shame is that of Nefertiti.

(Roy enters from stage left. He pulls out a knife, ready to kill that which provides freedom.)

Roy: (In parentheses) (Screams out) MASCARAAAAAAA! (Stabs Al out).

As Al fell, his blood seal broken, a small cry erupted from his metal frame. There was a great clatter of metal plates as the now lifeless suit of armor slammed to the floor of the mess hall. He was dead.

Roy, shaken, said, "No! Dear God who doesn't really exist in Hiromu world, what have I done!"

For a moment, Ed was silent. His eyes paused upon the metal corpse, taking in every symbol, every frame, and the now prominent knife hole. He felt a sob rise in his throat, but by a great force of willpower, he managed to kill it. He turned to face his Colonel, the man who had disgraced him and his brother.

Ed said, "What do you think you did? You've broken my colon and killed my brother. You asshole! You are like a pig in a cage, on antibiotics. What am I supposed to do now?"

Roy took a face of quiet calmness. His face was serene. Calm blue ocean. One could see the calm blue ocean, on the bright day. If you turned to face the dawn, you could see the denial. Ochione had him.

He said, "Should we try again?"

Ed then punched him, quite hard. The metal met skin with a loud intensity. You could hear the zygomatic bones breaking if you were close enough to hear it. But you couldn't hear it. Ochione probably made sure of that.

Roy tumbled to the ground. There was a look of shock that had contorted his face and created the chorus to shrivel. His pleading eyes looked into the golden orbs of hatred.

Ed then said, "My brother is dead! And Winry is stuck in Zanzibar! Why do you think I came to you in the first place?" Ed turned and stormed out of the office of Central.

Roy lay on the floor, his mouth slightly open. After a few minutes, he headed down the stairs, to the mess hall where Riza and the others were. His newly found look of confusion turned to one of horror as he saw the many bones. Not a soul was alive in the room, not even Riza, who had been crushed by Roy's desk. Among the bones, however, he saw a small fragment of what looked like a porcelain face.

He picked it up. It was only a fragment: he guessed it was the left eye, and nothing more. He flipped it over to reveal a message:

"Hey Winry! Just wanted to check on you. Is everything all right? You haven't answered any of our letters in quite a while, so maybe this mask will give you a reason to write back.

Love,

Ed."

Roy noticed that the message was scrawled over with lipstick. The lipstick revealed one word: Ochione.

Roy pocketed the fragment, and ran out of the military base.

_The Bet's work was done,  
and Roy did have his fun,  
But I'm sure the one who got the most jollies  
was you,  
you stupid Frou Frou!  
you have, you have, you have,  
Don't deny it,  
You supplied it,  
To the masses,  
In the rain.  
_  
Welcome to Zanzibar!

Will you go far?

Where is my car?

Is it like Iraq?

Will he get Winry back?

S  
H  
E  
D  
I  
D  
N  
O  
T  
K  
N  
O  
W  
I  
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W  
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S  
R  
U  
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B  
Y  
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E  
R  
R  
O  
R  
I  
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T  
S  
.

N  
O  
O  
N  
E  
T  
O  
L  
D  
H  
E  
R  
.

Kicking screaming Gucci little piggy?

Ed: (To Winry) You don't remember, you don't remember, why don't you remember my name? Off with her head, off with her head, man, why don't she remember my name?

Winry: What? Ed, have you lost your mind?

(Ed Cuts off head. Winry and head Winry falls to the ground.)

Ed: I guess she does.

(Ed Falls dead).

Elitist girl, get your mind out of the gutter and your hand out of your pants.

**Exeunt Omnes! Omnes!**

A/N- OK, explanation time. Basically, one of my sister's friends lost a bet to one of her friends, a crazy woman who would write lemons about anything (I'm not kidding. One had involved my sister's friend and her social studies teacher. That's what I call dirty thoughts). So, the punishment was that my sister's friend had to write a lemon, involving the aforementioned pair. It was either that, or a Snape/Hermoine rape fic, which would use his "sexy nose", to be titled "Detention Gone Wild". I wish I were kidding.

So, I was kind of mad, and I wrote this as a "Fuck You" to people like her, an experiment to see what I could do with Microsoft Word (some things did not show up on FFnet, however), a parody of overly pretentious writing, and a way to play around with different writing styles and situations, hence the script parts, the fragment sentences, and the god-awful poetry.

Surprisingly, when I showed it to people, they liked it. I wasn't sure if they were trying to be nice, or not, but they seemed to genuinely like it. I showed it to many people. In fact, the only person who I never got to show it to was the very person I was writing this for. Go figure. Maybe here, she'll be able to see it, I don't know.

Well, there you have it. You read it, you cannot unread it, so, if you feel like it, please feel free to leave a review. And in the event that you enjoyed it, stick around for the next chapter. This is a trilogy, after all.


	2. Realization of the Second Noon

And here we are, at the second part of the Zanzibar Triliogy. I'd like to thank those of you who reviewed, especially the ones that I do not know in real life. Anywho, here's the next part, with Mpreg just for the hell of it!

Again, I do not own Full Metal Alchemist. It belongs to Hiromu Arakawa, Square Enix, and to an extent, Funimation.

Zanzibar: Pt. 2: The Second Coming: Part ½: The Sad Dawning of the Morning Royed.

Movement I: The morning of the virii.

Open your eyes.

Huh? Who the hell are you?

I'm the narrator. The Most Important person in the world.

You don't seem that important.

Look who's talking. You have two dads.

_Are you the tremulant?_

_Were you trapped in jetfire?_

_Caught in the crossfire?_

_It's not really your fault,_

_You were just a product of drunken desire._

Scene ⅓- Royed begins his day.

Pinoko: So, how are you this morning, you affront to God who does not exist in Arakawa world?

Royed comes down the stairs. All cheer. They cheer because they have no soul. They are the remulant.

Royed: Not too bad. I mean, for a guy who was somehow formed from only XY Chromosomes, I'm not too bad.

Pinoko nods her head in the silent nothing. She puts a flower by Winry's portrait, contorted by the shame of Ernest Hemingway. Her pretensions got the best of her. She tried a B minor pentatonic scale of life and lost her manicure.

Royed: So, did my father-one of them, anyway-like Winry?

Pinoko: Pigdogs should not play with winners.

Royed: Oh, no, don't tell me you're doing that metaphor thing again, are you?

Pinoko, alone in her timeless grief, puts on Ochione's Death Mask, reliving the schemes of years.

Pinoko: What is plagiarism but the replay of man's thoughts?

Royed sighs.

Royed: That's it. I'm getting a sandwich.

_NO!_

_NO!_

_NO!_

_Why the golden haired child?_

_Why the golden haired child?_

_G-BCF!_

_Who will remember me when I'm dead now?_

Royed entered the kitchen, starved. He was rather bored when Pinoko started speaking in italics. He wondered if Ed would take him to the park if he was still alive. And if he could find Roy, maybe he could squeeze some alimony out of him. He was a deadbeat dad, after all.

_It has been fifteen years_, he thought, _and I've never seen either of my dads_.

He bit into his pastrami on rye, soiled with the blood of the dead in Antarctica. He did not know of the Trotskyists who wanted to eat that sandwich. How could he know? He didn't even know he had the super flu.

_There's a rattling in his throat and it won't go away,_

_Today with the mucus and locust in chest,_

_With no money and a runaway dad,_

_That boy's gotta get some rest._

Movement II: 150 American Folk Songs for Fried Chicken.

He left home that day. The bills in Pinoko's house were pilling up. He couldn't burden her anymore. He ate at least 200 lbs. of food a year, and, when he really thought about it, was really like a vampire when it came to her money.

Like a vampire.

Like a vampir

E

Like a vamp

I

R

E

Like a

V

A

M

P

I

R

E

L

I

K

E

A

V

A

M

P

I

R

E

To be honest, he really needed to get on the train.

_Wooo, Woooo!_

_Choo! Choo!_

_Everyone's got things to do!_

_To Central!_

_To Central!_

He arrived in Central in the morning. He passed by many people. He did not act like a jerk. He wanted a beard but could not have a beard. He was not pure. He was made by the tragic act that made Oedipus seem like Mickey Mouse (not the Kingdom Hearts kind that will kill and eat you if you look at him funny, the one in the movies).

Scene ⅔- Central

Int. Royed, Winrose, and the everknowing spirit of Capitalism.

Royed walks off the train. He is caused to feel shame and the future. He wonders if anyone can feel his name in the sweltering sub zero temperature. The Latin Beat continues in our hearts. I knew you shot JFK, the Zapruder shows it.

Royed: Perhaps here I can begin a life anew. Perhaps here, I'll forget that I'm a medical impossibility.

Winrose walks in the room from the vapors of your bathroom scent. She is the radiance of eighty-five women, most of them strippers. Like a flame rising, then falling, she was like a fleeting sheet of beauty. Royed can only manifest the growing feelings in him with the three immortal words, spoken century upon century, unaware of the dying embers and dying notes.

Royed: Damn, you're hot.

Winrose looks at him, recognizing his pretense. She has measured her life in coffee spoons, and is suffering from female pattern baldness that is not baldness. She was a Stalinist, he was a Trotskyist. Together, their existential supply-side economics would flourish.

Winrose: A fun time. Will go Wilco? I am calling. London is calling. _Long Distance_ is _Run_ning _Around._

Royed: taken aback: Uh, OK.

They make out, fusing into a stately time of ice, mulled from the tax forms of James Joyce. The artist was indeed a young man. And it was indeed a portrait. Crazy people do not eat at Crazy Buffet. Why is that?

Movement III: The day of the Seventeen Thousand-Four Hundred and Twenty Seven point Three-Tenth Lemons. (A slightly related interlude.)

_Autumn has come,_

_And as of yet,_

_No one has had fun._

_What does one do?_

_You can't move to the sacred spire._

_The fangirls felt his anger too,_

_His incompetence has drawn their ire._

_When he burst from Ed's Head,_

_He took the silver wings of morning._

_No solace was taken for the dead,_

_He did not see her mourning._

_He lives with the sun god girl,_

_For she too committed the same sin._

_Poor golden haired child,_

_No one knew your temperance,_

_You gave birth to one so meek and mild,_

_Though nothing rhymes with temperance_.

_It was such a harmless wager,_

_But perhaps he should have done it_

_When he was a Major._

_The elitist fangirl brings her arms to the sky,_

_To the mighty rangerarmy shrine,_

"_I have done what no one has",_

_She cries,_

"_I made them have babies!"_

_This is her product._

_She knew what was coming._

_Inspire a madman,_

_Receive the drumming._

_She does not care._

_Her fanfiction dreams_

_Have become YouTube schemes_

_And she has carried on._

_She stepped into the flames, and did not burn._

_Her mark on literature carries on._

_The mark of Xing Li carries on._

_You carry on._

_You carry on._

_Royed is the sad product,_

_When Kidneys are Ovaries,_

_The Bladder is the Uterus,_

_And a decapitated head the Birth Canal._

_Winrose came from the desire to belong._

_Who knew Rose led the Terrorists?_

_Nobody knew._

_That's who. _

_Who knew she was a lesbian?_

_I sure as hell didn't know._

_That made things a little complicated. _

_It's a good thing_

_Ed cut off her head._

_To the mountain, friends!_

_To the mountains!_

_There they bunk,_

_Where synth-pop plays every day._

_The pink tipped girl,_

_And the Fire Lord._

_If you look there,_

_If you really look,_

_You'll find two things._

_You'll find a radio,_

_Tuned to the same song._

_You'll find a poem like this,_

_One that is much too long._

Movement IV: Take the Veil, Cerpin Taxt! Take that goddamned veil already! Seriously, take it already, you're staring to piss me off!

The rise to power had begun. The mountain lay before them, calling in the night like Alexander Graham Bell on Coca-Cola crack. It was snowy, and felt like several steps into the Buddhist Chamber of the Sacred Infiniti. There, they knew, it lay before them.

"Well", said Royed, his shirt beaming with optimism, "Here's our meal ticket out of here, Winny-baby. How's abouts we climb it?"

Winrose looked at the doormat of glass. She knew that it was much too late to stop the melting of the final hour, and felt that the pretension of life was going to kill someone. Right in the head. It would get them right in the head, shot by a camper.

Right now, there were bloops and beeps in her head. And bees. There were bees in there too. Pretty much everything that starts with a B was in there.

The Climb began, and the Ascent commenced. Up on the summit, a man of Forty looked upon with them with suspicion. He was the man who took Flames, and made them his own.

"Sweet Mother of God-Who-Does-Not-Exist-In-Arakawa-World!" the man said, "It's that kid! I thought I put him in the Dumpster!"

Rose kept knitting, her tears of sorrow the fabric. The time was at hand. She also knew this. The dawning of the plague would take Amestris and send it to Berlin. Then they would have to deal with the Wall. The wall would bring them to the Dogs.

Pigdogs. Why did it have to be pigdogs? This she thought as the knit-one, pearl two continued in the sacred spire. There was plenty to take the time to barbecue.

Knit one, Pearl two.

Knit one, Pearl two.

Knit one, Pearl two.

Knit one, Pearl two.

Would she have let Ed die?

"Damn that Pinoko!" Roy cursed, "She knew she couldn't take her hands off the heir to the throne of the junked dog! She just had to get involved with the meddle of the seventh reign of the Agaharta!"

He opened a drawer in the middle of his memory box. There lied a large portion of a large porcelain mask. It was special. It held the secret of the scalpel box. It told him to do it. It was not his fault. Out of all of the women he slept with, how could it be possible that he got a man pregnant?

But still, the porcelain portion knew what to do. It gave him the mountain. The elitist girl lives in it. She doesn't have an awareness of my writings. I only chronicle the tragedy. It is my purpose.

He took the mask of Ochione and held it close to his chest, where his superficial arteries and veins began to bleed.

Drum Solo!

THrakaktTKAKAKATHRAKAKTHAKkahthakkkkkkkkkkkkkrkkakkakakRoyThrakcktkackttakkkkkkToldTHRACKthtkTHKKKKRoseTHRACKkcktkTKCKTAAAAtssstsstsstsstssTSSTSSTSThatBABOOMbABOomTHOOmooommoomoomooomoooomoTheyCoTHRAKkakakakakakathakkakkakaKAKAKAKAKKAKAKAAKkKKKKKkkKKaaaaAAAaaTHRAKTHRACKBOOMShouldTHrackkkakkakBooboomoboomooombBarBAMAMAMAMBABAMBABAMBAMBAMBAMBAMThrackkkkkkkkTHRXKAkakakaTheBAVAVAVAVAVAVAVDoor.

There was a thunderous sound. Sound. Sound is found. It was found there. In the rain. The rain fell. Hemingway Code. Frederick Henry is the code. The code says the truth. Truth not found! 404! File not found! Error, Error, Error! Mayday, Mayday! System is error! System is error! The Barred door cannot stand! Jeff Buckley River! Argh!

Wood splinters Wood splinters don't let them take them if you can where is everyone I'm coming in. Take it all take it all you and I need to have a talk if you can't go go there but for the grace of God goes Rose. I told you to die it's been fifteen years didn't you care I have a life and it doesn't involve you what about Winrose don't you care. You just want money I have good reasons you'll just suck it all dry I could have been somebody I could have been the Fuhrer. I told you I told you keep them wasn't Pinoko enough of a mother she's too mentally disturbed by the mask of Ochione. I need my piece it's just a stupid mask you don't know anything do you do you shut up I'm trying to talk stop just stop we can work this out shut up shut up I don't want to hear it. Please stop please stop we can work this out Rose is right how much do we need you take nothing you children of bitches don't talk about my father that way I'm your father too. I'm almost through the door Rose get the iron it won't work I can't carry it. Perfect pitch, obsession with butterflies, Perfect pitch, Strong Singer, Perfect Pitch, loving, Perfect Pitch. Don't kill them I'll do whatever the hell I want!

Scene 1- The arrival of Ochione

Ent. Ochione.

Ochione creeps into the ceiling where Roy and Rose live. They are not lovers but brothers and mothers. She looks upon them, and then at Royed and Winrose, who are trying to burst through the door with a tree trunk made with the skin of Adam Smith. She is enthralled at the beauty she made. She forced the red hair one to write and I write the results and no one can listen because no one can see like I see because no one takes the pills I take there are many pills there are red ones and blue ones and green ones I need to get off them but Ochione forces them on me because I'm trapped here get me out. Her face takes a twisted grin.

Ochione (to Royed, whispering. Royed does not hear.): It's been said, that you'll never know. You'll never know. You'll never know. I will throw you in this cage of dead toenails and you'll hum hallelujah. All the writer says is false. All I say is truefalse. False is true. Don't they look so cute together? They are the OTP of God, after all. Don't deny me, for I'm all you live for.

Royed (Looking up): All of a sudden, I feel very scared. What's with this chill in my spine? God, Winrose, it's cold. It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

Winrose (knowing what Royed is feeling, but for some reason Royed cannot hear): I won't let her take you. You poor child, you know nothing. You're falling to it, too. You've got to die before Ochione grabs you too. I gave you the superflu for that reason. She already got me.

The tree finally bursts through the door. Roy falls to the ground. He looks into the furious eyes of Royed.

Royed (Hissing, his voice full of rage): We need to talk, you and I.

_So here we are_

_The turning of the guard._

_Maybe we're here_

_In a long, withstanding card._

A/N: And so ends another section of this stupid, stupid trilogy. Originally, this wasn't supposed to be a trilogy; the first chapter was only supposed to be a one shot, but I thought the idea of Royed was too good of an idea to pass up. Then, as I thought it would be extremely pretentious, I made another chapter to flesh out some sort of trilogy. The biggest shocker of all for me was that this developed a plot, if only a scant one.

So, what did you think? Leave a review and let me know, and stick around for the third and final part! I can't promise much, but I can guarantee that it will have words!


	3. Disillusionment of the Third Dusk

And so here we are, the third and final chapter of the Zanzibar trilogy. Before we get started, I'd like to give special thanks to my sister, who gave me a crash course on tempo and provided the chat log in the second movement, and my friend Rob, who came up with the whole tempo idea in the first place. I'd also like to thank any person who waited for this chapter. I probably don't know who you are, but thanks.

And, with that said:

Full Metal Alchemist is the sole property of Hiromu Arikawa, Square Enix, Aniplex, and Funimation. All rights are reserved by them, and I own nothing. Lyrics from "Morning Bell/Amnesiac" belong to Radiohead. Royed and Winrose and all the original characters belong to you. Really.

* * *

Zanzibar: The Third Section

The Grand Beginning of the Great Staircase to the Land of the Foot That's So Slow

**Overture: Of the Seven Swans and Bellyaching Wishes**

12/8, _Mezzo Forte-Mezzo Piano_.

_Andantino_.

When I was younger, I remember being told that I was special. I remember listening with the others, as they said what they were going to do once they were older. One wanted to live among the redwoods in California, another wanted to wander around Yosemite for a couple of years, then settle somewhere on the Appalachians. And the older ones would stand there and smile. I didn't know then that those smiles were plastered there, that they knew what was really going on, and where we were really going.

I'd expect that from phonies now. Phonies don't tell you anything. Phonies sit there and smile and tell you, "Yes, honey, whatever you want to be."

No one told me that when I would grow big and strong, people would come and cut me down. No one told me that someday I would have myself flattened, shaped, hacked into, painted garish, whorish colors, and put outside for all to see.

I guess that's how all things turn out, I guess. In the end, we're all made to be doors.

I guess I should make my story quick, then. Everyone knows how it begins. I'm sure a few people know how it ends, too.

I remember Whatshisface popping me in the hinges for the first time. Yeah, good old Whatshisface, with that stupid blue jacket or whatever. You know, my brother Addie had a blue jacket, you should have seen it. It had gold on it, too. It was really nice, but a bit beat up. He died a couple of years back, so I guess I shouldn't really talk about him.

Anyway, Whatshisface lived with some pink haired girl, Couldntgiveacrap. They hung out together, for what I couldn't understand. Maybe it was something the soft people call marriage. I bet that's some phony thing soft people like to do. Either way, they sat there every day, and they'd just sit there and cry. Apparently, they had committed some kind of "sin" or something. Don't ask me what that means. I'm just a door. It's probably something really dumb and stupid, anyway.

Then, one day, some Jerk comes pounding on me. That just killed me. I mean, come on, hasn't this guy heard of politeness and respect? That's a phony for you: they just keep pounding and pounding and pounding on you and then they expect you to go, "Yes, sir! I'll open just for you!"

Asshole. How 'bout I pound on _you_, just to see how _you'd_ feel, huh?

So I go take a look at Jerk, and I can't help but think that he looks a lot like Whatshisface. I mean, he has that facial shape and everything. But he's got gold eyes, so I guess it wasn't too much like Whatshisface. It's kind of like how me and Addie (or was it Addie and I? God damn teachers, they're all phonies, except Mr. McGovern) look alike, almost down to the same looking bark. His bark was always better looking, and you should have seen this guy play baseball. I mean, it would just be me, Addie, and Liz, and we'd just wait for Addie to hit a flyball, and it just go for miles! Miles and Miles! Any ball he'd hit we'd never see again! Watching him was better than how it is now.

And then, as if I needed it, Jerk and Whatshisface start yelling at each other, while Couldntgiveacrap just cries again, for the millionth time. Jesus Christ, don't these soft people ever run out of water? If I cried that much when I was a tree, I'd lose my sap. Maybe I should have cried, maybe then people would see that they couldn't use me and leave me the hell alone.

And then I start breaking. Yeah, it isn't enough for this bastard to pound on me, now he has to break me down, too. And nobody's even bothering to help, not even Jerk or his broad (oh yeah, he had a broad there, I forgot to say that). I'm cracking, for Christ's sake! Nobody sees that? Nobody? No, they're just jabbering on and on about Fuhrers and shit like that (what the hell's a Fuhrer, anyway, some sort of sandwich?).

Then I break. Yeah, I break, and Jerk's in. And I'm in pieces on the floor. Well, isn't that just beauty-goddamn-ful? They're still yelling at each other, too. Hello, I'm here! It's your door, I've been hanging around for sixteen freaking years! Huh, really?

So, now I'm here, and yeah, they're still yelling. It's a real blockbuster. I have a brother in Hollywood, maybe he could use it so he can hang around his phony friends and drink wine and shit.

Seriously, does it really take this long for a door to die?

* * *

**First Movement: With the Way I've Been Treating you, You Could Say I'm the Hangman (Wither Spoons Height)**

27/16, _Fortissimo_.

_Animato_.

INT. Royed. He moves forward to face Roy, and spits into his face.

**Royed**

So, you honestly thought I would never, ever find you? It was really simple, you know. You're still in the phone book.

Roy wipes the saliva from his face.

**Roy**

You weren't supposed to exist. Men don't get pregnant.

**Royed**

Yeah, tell that to seahorses.

(Winrose runs up to Royed. There is a close up of her hands grasping one of his.)

**Winrose**

Look, just forget about it!

Royed turns to Winrose. She is trying to hold back from crying, rather unsuccessfully.

You have me, you have Pinoko, and you lived in the countryside! Why does this matter? What's the _point_?

**Royed**

(Voice grows louder as he continues)

You want a point? Fine, I'll give you one. I had a mother. He was an honorable man. All he wanted was to help his brother. He could have gladly lived forever and a day if his brother could feel again. If he could bleed again. Then this bastard came along. This bastard raped my mother, and then ran off with his tail between his legs!

**Roy**

It wasn't rape. It was a bet. There's a difference.

Royed stares at Roy for a moment.

**Royed**

(softly)

Did you love my mother?

**Roy**

What?

**Royed**

(slightly louder)

Did you love my mother?

**Roy**

I said it before, there's a difference between--

**Royed**

(screaming)

Did you love my mother? Answer the question!

**Roy**

(sighs) Did I love him like a son? Yes. Did I love him like a close friend? Yes. But, I could never love him as a lover would. There was nothing but lust that night. (He laughs, trying to calm the tense surroundings) Alcohol makes you do some crazy things. He kind of looks like Riza from behind, you know. That's the girl I loved.

**Ochione**

(In a schoolmarmish, mocking tone)

Roy, who said that you could have feelings for Riza?

ENTER Ochione. She is a raven haired figure of medium height, and medium build. She wears a kimono, blue and patterned with migrating salmon. She holds out her hand and balls it into a fist. Roy screams and crumples to the floor.

Don't mess with the OTP of God.

Royed stares at the crumpled body of Roy. He looks down on Ochione in horror.

**Royed**

Ochione…You're the one behind all this.

**Ochione**

(grins) You finally figured it out. Then again, you never really were the brightest of any of my creations.

She chuckles as vines begin to sprout from her stomach.

**Royed**

What…what the hell is this?

The vines enwrap Royed. He screams loudly as the vines retract into her.

**Royed**

Someone help me! Roy!



(Roy is still crumpled on the floor. He takes no notice.)

Rose!

(Rose curls into a ball and cries.)

Winrose?

(Winrose looks away. Royed stares at her as he slides into Ochione's stomach.)

Kuteandkawaii231 10:40 PM: look, ur being kinda wacky.

Fullmetalflame!!10:40 PM: i dont care!! its how i feel, and u blu me off!!

Kuteandkawaii231 10:41 PM: im sorri that what happened, happened today, but u shouldnt have…blurted it out so loudly!

Fullmetalflame!! 10:41 PM: well, u shouldnt have rUn away!! u couldve h4v3 helped me!! I mean, wahy kind of friend just lets that happen!!

Kuteandkawaii231 10:42 PM: I was kinda still freaked out over what u told me…

Fullmetalflame!! 10:42 PM: freaked out!? I thought ud understand! Weve been together for YEARS

Kuteandkawaii231 10:42 PM: yea, but not in the way youd like to think, ochione.

Fullmetalflame!! 10:43 PM: I thought u knew i thought u felt the same way tatsuko?Q!!

Kuteandkawaii231 10:43 PM: i dont ochione. im sorri, but i dont!!

Fullmetalflame!! 10:43 PM: could u ever lyke me?

KawaiibomoonlightisGOD! 10;43 PM: HEY GUYS!! HOW YA DOING?? XDDDDD

Kuteandkawaii231 signed off at 10:43 PM

Fullmetalflame!! signed off at 10:43 PM

KawaiibomoonlightisGOD! 10:44 PM:SIGH They're avoiding me again…..

KawaiibomoonlightisGOD! signed off at 10:44 PM

Kuteandkawaii231 signed on at 10:59 PM

Fullmetalflame!! signed on at 11:00 PM

Fullmetalflame!! 11:00 PM: tatsuko u neveh answered my q.

Kuteandkawaii231 11:00 PM: im sorri, but i cant. i have a bf!! i only lye u lyke a friend!! nothing more!!1!

Fullmetal/flame!! 11:02 PM: what would u do if i killed myself??

Kuteandkawaii231 11:02 PM: ochione!! how could u think of such a thing?? U know how i feel about that!!

Fullmetal/flame!! 11:03 PM: i knew it u wouldnt care

Fullmetal/flame!! 11:04 PM:goodbye, tatsuko.

Fullmetal/flame!! signed off at 11:04 PM

Kuteandkawaii231 11:05 PM: of course i would care, ochione!!

Fullmetal/flame!! is not signed on.

* * *

**Second Movement: A Sort of Temporary Lay-Off**

_6/8. Pianissimo._

_Andante. _

Hello?

Is anyone there?

Hey you!

Yes, you!

Why are you staring at me?

Where are you? What's with all this glass? Can you hear me?

If you can, I seem to be stuck in someone's stomach. I think she made Roy rape Ed or something, and I'm the product. Can you help me?

Please help me. My girlfriend left me, I abandoned Pinoko, and now Ochione's going to digest me. What am I supposed to do? I just wanted some damn money for food and stuff! Was that so wrong? Do I really have to be eaten for that?

God, I've been such an idiot.

Come, on, someone help me!

Help!

Help!

It's all right, I'm here.

* * *

**Third Movement: Transitions and Filler**

_3/4. Ad Lib._

"And who the hell are you?" asked Royed.

"Me?" answered the blond haired boy. He scratched his head, and then shook it, shaking the hair that grew to his midsection. "Well, I'm just a figure of imagination, I guess."

Royed rolled his eyes. "Great, I'm going to be saved by some long hair hippie."

"Hippie?" The blond boy blinked, and said, "No, I'm Edwin."

"Edwin?"

"Yup." Edwin said, "Pleased to meet you, whoever-you-are."

"I'm Royed. So, what're you doing here?"

Edwin shrugged. "I was trying to find my mom. Not sure how I ended up here."

"Well, we might want to get out", said Royed, "We don't want to be stuck in a digestive system for long."

Edwin chuckled, and then joked, "Of course. I could just see my mom saying, 'Edwin Amadeus Elric-Rockbell, what did I tell you about getting lost in the digestive tract of a fangirl? It's just pocky everywhere and you know that'll cause cancer!'"

Royed glanced at Edwin. Rockbell? He took a closer look at the boy. There was the blonde hair of course, he couldn't ignore that. But, there were the eyes. They were so, so _blue_. He was sure that he saw a pair like those before and someone named Rockbell had them. Could it be that…?

"Is your mom named Winry?" Royed asked.

Edwin blinked. Then he giggled.

"Okay, I didn't know I was dealing with a psychic here", he tittered.

Royed's mouth fell open.

"But Winry's _dead_", he said, "That's what Pinoko told me."

Edwin smiled. "And you know my grandma, too!"



He walked on. Royed stood where he was for a moment. Was Winry alive all this time?

Edwin looked back and called Royed. "Hey, slowpoke! We're not going to get home if you're just going to stand there!"

Royed was snapped out of his daze and ran ahead. While running, he had noticed that Edwin had stopped. Royed stopped and looked at why Edwin had stopped. There was a person in a long red, shoulder-less dress suspended above them. It was hung on five meat hooks, cutting into the figure's neck and extremities. Two small hooks, possibly fish hooks, cutting into the lips of the person. Royed did not wonder who it was. He didn't need to. He had seen him in pictures.

There, suspended several feet in the air, with blood sporadically dripping on the floor, was Royed's mother.

I have run in the garden.

I have seen the smile plastered on your face. You look really peaceful hanging there. I guess you're happy. I wonder, do you believe in hell? I do. I'm here already.

I tried so damn hard to be your friend. Do you remember when I met you back in fourth grade? You were so scared. I was the one who first said "hello" to you. I was the first one who told you that you were my friend. Some friend you were.

Heather, do you even know that they miss you? Your parents are at the funeral home _right now_, picking out your casket. They're crying their eyes out and it's all your fault. You should be ashamed of yourself, but there's not really a "yourself" to be ashamed of now, is there?

You even picked out a dress for your hanging. Shoulder-less and strapless and red. You were planning to do this for a while now, weren't you? Was I supposed to be sorry I ever told you that I didn't like you that way? Was I supposed to cut you down and kiss you, was that it? You knew how I felt. You don't even know what love is anyway, like Preston and I do. But you certainly thought you could write it, huh? All these Roy/Ed fics. Huh, a gay relationship would seem nice to you, wouldn't it? Oh, and this new one sucks, by the way, I mean, look at this:

"_Ochione squealed with joy as she saw Roy and Ed kiss. Ed blushed and Roy smiled._

"_Thank you", Roy said, "I never knew I loved Ed until you forced me to make out with him!"_

_Ochione twirled her kimono and winked. "Don't mess with the OTP of God!"_

Pure shit.

And it's right here on the screen.



I can end it right now.

* * *

**Fourth Movement: Beginnings, Endings, and Everything in Between**

_4/4. Sfortzando piano._

_Allegretto Lento._

There are several thinlearned that one canthithings come to an end.

Royed

Gaping. He gaped at the body that hung there. When Royed was young, he used to sit in trees to live. How long had he been there, and had he come to the end? If it was the end, was it the end? Maybe if he shook his arms and legs but no it wouldn't work it was too obvious was Ed still alive? I can't really tell he couldn't tell we couldn't tell she couldn't tell.

"Maybe we shouldn't

Have come.

(Edwin backs away from

the body, and sits down in fear.

I don't know, should we have come here?

Maybe. Maybe Not", he said.

_People in their dissention,_

_Redirected by their misdirection,_

_And others will certainly follow,_

The body moved. The hooks that were attached to the calves of the yellow haired boy yanked each leg back and forth in an alternate motion, a parody of walking. The hook submerged into the back of the neck also was yanked, raising the head to full attention. The fish hooks parted the lips, and a voice, frail and cracked, wafted softly into the room.

"Roy, I have something to tell you", the voice said.

Royed

(

Mom!

He said.

"You don't need to tell me", another voice called out. This one was a firmer sounding voice than the other, but gave off a sort of tinny sound, as if from an old computer speaker.

The first voice let off a squeal, which trailed into silence.

The "owner" of the second voice was brought into the room; another dead body, also attached to hooks. This body, however, was nude. The skin around the neck was splotched purple. If one were able to look closely to the neck, one would have noticed the imprint of rope.

Royed fell to the floor and groaned.

-Dad?

It was indeed the body of Roy Mustang. The two bodies moved closer together, pulled by the hooks. The hooks raised the arms, bringing the two into a hideous embrace. The fish hooks parted both their lips and the two kissed.

-Stop it! Please!

Royed cried. He sat on the floor, hugged his knees and sobbed.

_But no one will really believe._

_Can you feel it? (The morning bell)_

_Your motive! (The morning bell)_

_It's there! ( Light another candle)_

_It's there! (Release me.)_

_You don't know what you want. (Release me.)_

The two corpses parted, leaving a thin trail of blood on their lips. The hooks pulled their mouths into smiles.

"Thank you", said the voice of the Roy corpse, "I never knew I loved Ed until you forced me to make out with him!"

From an open door that had just appeared there arose the sound of clicking high heels. Ochione stepped through the doorway, dressed in a bright red kimono. She smiled.

"There she is, Edwin!" Royed screamed, 'The cause of all our problems!" He turned to Edwin with a triumphant smile.

Edwin wasn't there.

"I got rid of him", Ochione said, "He wasn't a great character. Too happy."

Royed clenched his fists and teeth.

"Then where did you take him?" he hissed.

"He's with the others."

A bright light filled the room, revealing many corpses. Pinoko was there, as was Winrose, Rose, a large, shirtless, muscular man along with others he did not know, and Edwin.

"Do you know who I am, Royed? I am the author. Do you know what that entails?"

Royed glared at Ochione. Seeing that she would get no answer, she continued.

"It means that I work with the already created. Someone brought these people to life once, and they ran their course. But I didn't want it to end, oh no! So I brought them here. We can do whatever we want with them here. There are others like me, and we all do the same damn thing."

Royed just stood there. Ochione grinned, showing all her teeth.

"You're one too, you know."

Royed gasped. He then felt an intense pain in his arms and the back of his neck. He gingerly felt his right shoulder, and found that there was a hook in it.

"So get back up there", Ochione calmly said, "And keep playing the part."

Royed screamed. In a flash, he pulled the right shoulder hook from his body, swinging it into Ochione's left eye. She screamed and writhed.

Royed lifted the hook and swung again, hitting the right eye.

"YOU DID THIS!" he wailed, "YOU MADE ME LIVE!"

He kicked her in the stomach, and she crumbled to the ground. Royed fell to her and kept swinging the hook into Ochione's body, tearing at every part and leaving no area unharmed. This continued until the screaming and choking from her body ceased. Royed's face was covered in blood and twisted with sadistic glee.

Royed stood up, and wiped some of the blood from his face. A single tear fell from his face and he sat down. He cradled his head in his hands.

What's next?

Can anyone hear me?

Mommy, Daddy?

What does this have to do with alchemy?

Well, one of you "authors" tell me, what happens next?

Answer me!

Answ-couhhackcouchghock!

Royed covered his hands with his face. He lifted the palms to his eyes. The coughing had brought up blood! He broke into a cold sweat, and his body ached at every joint. He then felt very cold, and shivered. Superflu!

He threw his face toward the ceiling and screamed. The scream stopped abruptly and he slumped to the ground.

He never did get the alimony.

The end.


End file.
